Dear Career Doctor,
I was seeing my boss discreetly for a few months and he suddenly broke it off with me. It pains me to see him everyday and it’s unbearable to continue working under him. I know it was stupid to start anything but I really thought we had something special. Turns out it may have just been just a fling for him. I avoid talking to him and dread our weekly team meetings or bumping into him in the pantry as I’m afraid I’ll burst into tears. None of my team knows about this which is a relief but at the same time makes it tougher in some respect. Should I quit or ask for a transfer? I don’t know how I can take it much longer. What should I do?
Posted Tuesday 25th January 2011 05:41:00 AM
I agree with the Career Dr. Don't pretend to be strong! It hurts too much. "Keeping a secret can kill and drive anyone insane." Go and talk to a friend or your family. They might not be able to help but they can give you great support and comfort. I'm sure you can rebuild yourself soon. Don't give up this chance. Honestly speaking, you are luckier than me. At least, you have your family, friends to share and you have a stable job. But I have to keep all the secrets to myself with no family or friends to share them with. I have no family and I can't tell anyone. And my 9-yr ex-lover dumped me when I needed him most. I'm still struggling with my being unemployed for almost 2 years ... it's life, we all have to learn a lesson and pay a price. Take leave, get a transfer, whatever... give yourself a chance to be reborn!
Posted Friday 13th August 2010 05:51:00 AM
My advice is to accept it, yes, you DID make a mistake, now it’s time to move on. He wanted you, he had you, and for what ever reasons he may have had, he ended it with you. Maybe he suddenly realised it wasn't a good idea, maybe it wasn’t what he expected, who knows but analysing it isn't going to help. It’s sad, but it happens. Many people are not nice. As someone said fishing in the company pool is not a good idea. Learn from your mistakes, that is what life is all about. I also agree, take some time off, work out what is important to you, if it is your job, then tough it out and put it behind you. If you can't get over it, then it might just be better to quit. As for finding someone to "share" this unfortunate incident with, don't. People just love gossip and you will soon find yourself the subject of small minded conversation around the water cooler. If you feel bad now you will feel worse then.
Posted Thursday 12th August 2010 07:22:00 PM
You are not running away from anything, I just want you to be kind to yourself, and learn the art of "letting go" my dear! You know how high the price is to "act" strong, so painful and yet unnecessary! Stop torturing yourself, OK? If not, take a break and a few days off work to clear up your mind and recollect yourself isn't a bad thing too. Take good care of yourself no matter what, cry if you want to, it's never a sign of weakness, it's a way to release our anger and frustration, not limited to sadness. You still deserve applause! APPLAUSE ... APPLAUSE ... APPLAUSE!
Posted Tuesday 10th August 2010 08:55:00 AM
Thanks so much for your support! I fell really relieved to have gotten it off my chest as the burden has been very hard to bear. Career Doctor, you are so right. I have been blaming myself for getting into this situation and there’s been a dark cloud overhanging me. It’s not like he was married or anything, but it’s just that our work frowns upon these things. And I do want to maintain a professional image in the office. I don’t think I deserve applause as there have been so many times, I’ve broken down and cried in the office loo. I had never thought of it that way but I guess I am a lucky girl to have the option of transferring. However, on the other hand I do wonder whether I could tough it out and stay. Why should I the one to transfer? It’s like I’m running away. But if I stayed, how much longer could I handle it is another question ...
Posted Friday 6th August 2010 06:41:00 PM
I know there are things and times where we have resented and regret the decisions we have made and for what we've done. Hoping we could turn back the clock and wipe everything off the slate and start all over again as if nothing has happened! But could we? Should we? It's hard, my dear! How you have handled the situation is really decent and graceful. Just the part of managing to control your emotions and not to confront him for treating you like that, don't think too many people can do that, I myself can't, you deserve applause! That said, it's really cruel that you have to face and swallow everything alone with no one to share this with. Keeping a secret like that can kill and drive anyone insane. Can you find someone to talk to and share your pain and sorrow? Even a shoulder to cry on? You need to, otherwise I'm afraid one day you'll breakdown. Don't blame yourself anymore, or regret that you should have controlled yourself and for doing this "wrong" thing and now deserve being punished, etc etc. Nonsense! We're only human, who can resist the Cupid's arrow? When love comes, we can only surrender, when love goes, it leaves nothing but memories. Good or bad, depends, right? Let's cool down and talk business, losing this lover boss? Now you should know he's worthless! Losing your job because of him? Don't be silly! Stop acknowledging you're a victim. Even if you once were, you're not anymore! After all, your affair lasted only a couple of months, and believe me, time is the best medicine. It's tough now, I know, but you can overcome it for sure. One day you look back and you'll laugh at yourself for your naivety or you may even have totally forgotten his existence! You're lucky, at the least you can ask for a transferral, do that ASAP! You need to give yourself some fresh air to breath and some time to cool down to think and work out what you want to do next. In any case, you can always share with us more whenever you want to, I'm a good listener or in this case “reader”!
Oriental Management Consultancy
Posted Thursday 5th August 2010 12:43:00 AM
Dear Smurfette, it is always a very bad idea to have romantic involvement with your boss. One of my former workplaces actually forbid office romance of any kind. On top of the options you have contemplated, I have another suggestion to make. If you value greatly your current job, take leave. Have a good break. You can also consider seeing a psychologist during leave. If you still fell so unbearable at the sight of your boss when you get back, then yes, either get a transfer or leave altogether. Best wishes, KF